Sometimes the weight is almost unbearable. The sadness I feel over not knowing my place in this world; not feeling like I belong. It’s all too much. The pressure to feel like a contributing member of society is compounded by age, family and office politics. What was once a bright future, uncluttered and never-ending is now hazy and unmaneuverable.
At one point obstacles were there for the overcoming. There was nothing you couldn’t do, no obstacle to great; now, my biggest obstacle is believing that there is still an opportunity out there for me. There are limitations on what I can contribute due to my familial standing, education and money. This does not make for good options when there are 400 submissions to every position posted and available. This number is further reduced with a lack of networking contacts in our new (not so new) digital era. Not to even mention the panic attacks that are clearly attributed to the overwhelming lack of confidence because of the current situation. Walking into an engagement is crippling.
In the past, I’ve been met with situations where honesty, while touted, was not actually appreciated and met with disregard. I’ve also encountered people who say to be confident and own yourself; this too was met with disregard and contempt. Why is it that when we see someone who exemplifies the characteristics, confidence and belief that we would like for ourselves, makes us feel the need to knock them down? Why do we have so much hatred for what we aspire? I could tell you, verbatim, all the horrible things that have been done and said against me and it would sicken you. At least, I would think, it may not at all. Some may be extremely familiar with the bias and for that I’m sad.
In this life, the continual knocking down has finally gotten to me. So much so that I feel I’ve nothing left of my armour of confidence. Nothing left to sell for the prospect of a career. Nothing left to tell my next interviewer, “take a chance on me, I can do the job.” All my faith, hope and courage have left me today.
Hopefully, I will be renewed this coming week, but this feeling has been growing now for a few months and I’m afraid I’ve culminated. I’m scared there is nothing left; no new opportunity for me at my age, with my circumstances and with my lack of confidence.
To all that continually told me I was worthless, unable to rise above, achieve, make something of or for myself, or who back-stabbed, took cheap shots, undermined me behind closed doors (people I called friends); today, I feel exactly how you wanted me to feel.
And sometimes you just need a place to write all these thoughts down to get them out of your head so that you may continue to try and move forward.
