At one point obstacles were there for the overcoming. There was nothing you couldn’t do, no obstacle to great; now, my biggest obstacle is believing that there is still an opportunity out there for me. There are limitations on what I can contribute due to my familial standing, education and money. This does not make for good options when there are 400 submissions to every position posted and available. This number is further reduced with a lack of networking contacts in our new (not so new) digital era. Not to even mention the panic attacks that are clearly attributed to the overwhelming lack of confidence because of the current situation. Walking into an engagement is crippling.

In the past, I’ve been met with situations where honesty, while touted, was not actually appreciated and met with disregard. I’ve also encountered people who say to be confident and own yourself; this too was met with disregard and contempt. Why is it that when we see someone who exemplifies the characteristics, confidence and belief that we would like for ourselves, makes us feel the need to knock them down? Why do we have so much hatred for what we aspire? I could tell you, verbatim, all the horrible things that have been done and said against me and it would sicken you. At least, I would think, it may not at all. Some may be extremely familiar with the bias and for that I’m sad.

In this life, the continual knocking down has finally gotten to me. So much so that I feel I’ve nothing left of my armour of confidence. Nothing left to sell for the prospect of a career. Nothing left to tell my next interviewer, “take a chance on me, I can do the job.” All my faith, hope and courage have left me today.

Hopefully, I will be renewed this coming week, but this feeling has been growing now for a few months and I’m afraid I’ve culminated. I’m scared there is nothing left; no new opportunity for me at my age, with my circumstances and with my lack of confidence.

To all that continually told me I was worthless, unable to rise above, achieve, make something of or for myself, or who back-stabbed, took cheap shots, undermined me behind closed doors (people I called friends); today, I feel exactly how you wanted me to feel.

And sometimes you just need a place to write all these thoughts down to get them out of your head so that you may continue to try and move forward.

So, that being stated, I don’t have to be happy or fulfilled by my work environment, I just have to be paid. My job, while important, while my career, longevity and security, is not in any way my life. My work affords me my life and fulfilment. My job affords me the opportunities to live my life fully and take care of the ones I love. My self worth, while tied to being employed is not tied to my job in what my peers perceive and how they feel about how hard I work. It’s ridiculous to be told that you work to hard, do to much and that you need to lay off because your effort can’t be replicated. Outlandishly told that no one in the office can keep up the pace or the effort, so let a few or a lot of thing slide. All that being stated, I would go back, happiness not required, I’ll take cash.

I won’t praise your work when you are insecure
just to make you feel better
I will show you how to believe in yourself

I won’t be who you want me to be
just to be near you
I will be who you want to be with

I won’t read what you think I should
just to have something to talk about
I will show you new things that I have read
and expand our knowledge together

I won’t listen to your band
just to please you
I will listen to anything to please myself

I won’t be for you
what you should be to yourself

I will tell you what you mean to me

I will encourage you to be everything to yourself

I will stand by you when others have walked away

I will pick you up when you think you are alone

I will see you when no one else does

I am not your fantasy or beautiful distraction
I am better off, like I thought before
alone and to myself

I am whole unto myself
I like myself
I am happy with myself…
its when I venture out that it turns to shit….lesson learned

Where are you now
You’ve moved on
Leaving your lil distraction in the dark

There is no love, never was
There is no everything, only nothing
There is no belief, only truth

The truth is that it was all only and illusion.
A facade carefully fabricated for your own fulfillment.

I begged you not to say that horrid four letter word if you didn’t mean it…turns out the love you gave, the love you spoke of, the love you alluded to… was just a love of yourself.